Monday, March 27, 2006
Best of Craigslist: All that's wrong with America
I half love it, half hate it. I've edited the parts I don't like, and kept the ones I do.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/142346249.html
best of craigslist > s.f. bayarea > No more - this is my line in the sand.
Originally Posted: Wed, 15 Mar 23:34 PST
Date: 2006-03-15, 11:34PM PST
Editor's note from Oskar K. Tannenbaum, PhD.
Hello All,
I don't have much time - I fear that no one will continue my work after I go. This message contains the eleven phenomenon within American culture that are in need of urgent, immediate remedy. I have organized them in order of importance and gravitas. The list begins with items that are mere grotesque annoyances. The list ends with a discussion of things that threaten civilization as we know it. Pour yourself a glass of grain liquor and brace yourselves.
1. Cars with Four Headlights
I'm sure that you people who drive these abominations worked very, very hard beging your parents/girlfriend for the extra money to lower your Acuras, fix a spoiler onto the back, slap a sticker of Calvin peeing on some corporate logo on the back, and install your second set of headlights.
However, I'm lucky to derive vicarious benefit from it - all that extra light blasting through my back window not only helps be find that damned rearview mirror that I keep losing, it helps me reload my clip in preparation for the time when you finally get sick of tailgating me and try to pass me. Thanks guys.
2. Misuse of Homonyms by...well...EVERYONE
Only a native speaker -- probably one in the English dept. -- would really gripe about the misuse of "your" and "you're"
3. Girls with Oversized Sunglasses
This shit needs to stop immediately (unless you're Elton John - since you invented this, I'll let you stick with it for just a little while longer).
4. People using Alanis Morisette's Grotesquely False Definition of "Ironic" in daily speech
IRONY: Noun -An incongruity (contradition) between what is expected in a particular situation and what actually happens (note: "Irony" takes a very different definition in the context of literature - this is the most widely known definition).
Irony: A fire-extinguisher factory burning to the ground.
Non-Irony: Rain on your wedding day (this is just bad luck, NOT IRONY)
5. Online Surveys
Taking the time to answer 200 random Yes/No questions about your cell phone/number of "crushes"/number of tattoos tells us nothing about you as a person. It makes no progress in mapping your psyche, and reveals nothing more than an overabundance of free time.
For those who want to truely reveal intimate fascets of your personality, submit a written answer to the following hypothetical question....you just may learn a little about yourself in the process.
6. The Sad Decline of Rudy Ray Moore
Rudy Ray Moore is a cinematic artist like none other. His artistic credits include:
Dolemite - where Mr. Moore plays a pimp whose "hoes" know Kung Fu and use it to clean up the streets
The Avenging Disco Godfather - where Mr. Moore plays Tucker, a retired cop-turned-disco DJ-turned vigilante when his nephew picks up an addiction to P.C.P.
For the money that Sting spent on penile enhancement surgery, or the money that Axl Rose stuffed into the G-strings of Brazilian pole-dancers, Rudy Ray Moore could have made more than two-dozen movies about kung-fu prostitutes (but I'm not one to romanticize what might have been)...
What could be more hipster than lamenting the decline of your favorite little-known actor ? Read on. . .
7. Hipsters
When the trucker-style mesh baseball cap becomes part of the uniform, it's no longer "ironic" (as everyone now knows, since we've set the record straight on THAT issue). Pabst Blue Ribbon still sucks - it has sucked ever since the long bygone days when it was the official beverage of the actual, honest-to-god American working class. Drinking it thus CANNOT make you cool.
8. "It sure is cold outside, so SO MUCH FOR GLOBAL WARMING."
I dont know anyone who really says this. Not worth the gripe.
No one, anywhere, at anytime, is allowed to use the increasingly cold temperatures that we're witnessing during wintertime as proof against global warming.
It is irrefutably true that the average temperatures on Earth have increased. It is also irrefutable that both the arctic and antarctic icecaps have been steadily shrinking.
Warmer temperatures mean that more ice is falling into the ocean, and thus temporarily cooling the waters that reach North America. Furthermore, since more moisture is being evaporated into the atmosphere, a greater amount of precipitation in the winter is to be expected.
Thus, unusually cool winters DO NOT UNDERMINE GLOBAL WARMING. You are still free to disagree on whether there is in fact global warming if you really insist. HOWEVER: no one is allowed to cite cold days during the winter as evidence of this view (ever....I mean it, not ever).
9 and 10 were political rantings not worth the space in the blog. To summarize: the author doesn't like war in iraq or pres. bush.
(hey, im not saying i do either, but the arguments offer no new insight into a done deal.)
11. Intelligent Design
Do you enjoy electricity? Jet engines? Semi-conductors?
Thank the scientific method. Almost all of the technological progress that mankind has enjoyed has taken place in the past 300 years. This is thanks to a system of thought that focuses only on natural explanations for phenomenon in the world around us that survive numerous tests and retests.
The "theory" of evolution was also derived from this same marvelous mode of thought. However, let us define our terminology: technically, evolution is in fact only a "theory." However, "gravity" to this day is referred to as Newton's Theory of Gravitation. EVERYTHING in science is a theory, since the only proof that scientists rely upon for formulating their beliefs are PAST observations of PAST events.
However, take comfort in the fact that this minor technicality does nothing to impair the "truth" of scientific observations the next time you use a USB flash drive; everytime you plug one in, you are single-handedly proving the truth of Quantum Mechanics.
Thus, no true scientific theory would look at the complexity of the world around us, throw up its hands and say, "It's SO COMPLEX! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! IT MUST HAVE BEEN A SPOOKY INVISIBLE FATHER FIGURE LIVING IN THE SKY WHO CREATED IT."
This is not to say that there might not be some sort of creator - however, calling the belief in such a being "science" is anathema to the very underpinnings of our civilization as we know it.
In sum - you are free to believe in it. However, you're not allowed to call it "science."
Ever.
HUGS!!! XOXOXOX
A.D.F.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/142346249.html
best of craigslist > s.f. bayarea > No more - this is my line in the sand.
Originally Posted: Wed, 15 Mar 23:34 PST
No more - this is my line in the sand. (berkeley)
Date: 2006-03-15, 11:34PM PST
Editor's note from Oskar K. Tannenbaum, PhD.
What follows is the last known recorded work of Anthony F., shortly before his disappearence on March 15th, 2006. Researches speculate that Mr. F succombed to his unfortunate habit of overscheduling himself and committing his time to too many people, and left his final words of guidance for mankind on the eve of what he understood to be a potentially permanent descent into madness.
However, experts are, as of yet, uncertain of the true intent behind this piece - its sheer randomness undermines any pretense of a definitive final summary of his prescriptions for humanity.
In fact, we at Free University of Berlin are hesitant to even label this piece as "authentic." Thus, the reader should proceed with caution and realistic expectations.
Oskar Tannenbaum, PhD
Spring, 2006
However, experts are, as of yet, uncertain of the true intent behind this piece - its sheer randomness undermines any pretense of a definitive final summary of his prescriptions for humanity.
In fact, we at Free University of Berlin are hesitant to even label this piece as "authentic." Thus, the reader should proceed with caution and realistic expectations.
Oskar Tannenbaum, PhD
Spring, 2006
Malice Aforethought: A Final Testament
by A.D.F.
Hello All,
I don't have much time - I fear that no one will continue my work after I go. This message contains the eleven phenomenon within American culture that are in need of urgent, immediate remedy. I have organized them in order of importance and gravitas. The list begins with items that are mere grotesque annoyances. The list ends with a discussion of things that threaten civilization as we know it. Pour yourself a glass of grain liquor and brace yourselves.
1. Cars with Four Headlights
I'm sure that you people who drive these abominations worked very, very hard beging your parents/girlfriend for the extra money to lower your Acuras, fix a spoiler onto the back, slap a sticker of Calvin peeing on some corporate logo on the back, and install your second set of headlights.
However, I'm lucky to derive vicarious benefit from it - all that extra light blasting through my back window not only helps be find that damned rearview mirror that I keep losing, it helps me reload my clip in preparation for the time when you finally get sick of tailgating me and try to pass me. Thanks guys.
2. Misuse of Homonyms by...well...EVERYONE
3. Girls with Oversized Sunglasses
This shit needs to stop immediately (unless you're Elton John - since you invented this, I'll let you stick with it for just a little while longer).
4. People using Alanis Morisette's Grotesquely False Definition of "Ironic" in daily speech
IRONY: Noun -An incongruity (contradition) between what is expected in a particular situation and what actually happens (note: "Irony" takes a very different definition in the context of literature - this is the most widely known definition).
Irony: A fire-extinguisher factory burning to the ground.
Non-Irony: Rain on your wedding day (this is just bad luck, NOT IRONY)
5. Online Surveys
Taking the time to answer 200 random Yes/No questions about your cell phone/number of "crushes"/number of tattoos tells us nothing about you as a person. It makes no progress in mapping your psyche, and reveals nothing more than an overabundance of free time.
For those who want to truely reveal intimate fascets of your personality, submit a written answer to the following hypothetical question....you just may learn a little about yourself in the process.
6. The Sad Decline of Rudy Ray Moore
Rudy Ray Moore is a cinematic artist like none other. His artistic credits include:
Dolemite - where Mr. Moore plays a pimp whose "hoes" know Kung Fu and use it to clean up the streets
The Avenging Disco Godfather - where Mr. Moore plays Tucker, a retired cop-turned-disco DJ-turned vigilante when his nephew picks up an addiction to P.C.P.
For the money that Sting spent on penile enhancement surgery, or the money that Axl Rose stuffed into the G-strings of Brazilian pole-dancers, Rudy Ray Moore could have made more than two-dozen movies about kung-fu prostitutes (but I'm not one to romanticize what might have been)...
7. Hipsters
When the trucker-style mesh baseball cap becomes part of the uniform, it's no longer "ironic" (as everyone now knows, since we've set the record straight on THAT issue). Pabst Blue Ribbon still sucks - it has sucked ever since the long bygone days when it was the official beverage of the actual, honest-to-god American working class. Drinking it thus CANNOT make you cool.
8. "It sure is cold outside, so SO MUCH FOR GLOBAL WARMING."
It is irrefutably true that the average temperatures on Earth have increased. It is also irrefutable that both the arctic and antarctic icecaps have been steadily shrinking.
Warmer temperatures mean that more ice is falling into the ocean, and thus temporarily cooling the waters that reach North America. Furthermore, since more moisture is being evaporated into the atmosphere, a greater amount of precipitation in the winter is to be expected.
Thus, unusually cool winters DO NOT UNDERMINE GLOBAL WARMING. You are still free to disagree on whether there is in fact global warming if you really insist. HOWEVER: no one is allowed to cite cold days during the winter as evidence of this view (ever....I mean it, not ever).
9 and 10 were political rantings not worth the space in the blog. To summarize: the author doesn't like war in iraq or pres. bush.
(hey, im not saying i do either, but the arguments offer no new insight into a done deal.)
11. Intelligent Design
Do you enjoy electricity? Jet engines? Semi-conductors?
Thank the scientific method. Almost all of the technological progress that mankind has enjoyed has taken place in the past 300 years. This is thanks to a system of thought that focuses only on natural explanations for phenomenon in the world around us that survive numerous tests and retests.
The "theory" of evolution was also derived from this same marvelous mode of thought. However, let us define our terminology: technically, evolution is in fact only a "theory." However, "gravity" to this day is referred to as Newton's Theory of Gravitation. EVERYTHING in science is a theory, since the only proof that scientists rely upon for formulating their beliefs are PAST observations of PAST events.
However, take comfort in the fact that this minor technicality does nothing to impair the "truth" of scientific observations the next time you use a USB flash drive; everytime you plug one in, you are single-handedly proving the truth of Quantum Mechanics.
Thus, no true scientific theory would look at the complexity of the world around us, throw up its hands and say, "It's SO COMPLEX! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! IT MUST HAVE BEEN A SPOOKY INVISIBLE FATHER FIGURE LIVING IN THE SKY WHO CREATED IT."
This is not to say that there might not be some sort of creator - however, calling the belief in such a being "science" is anathema to the very underpinnings of our civilization as we know it.
In sum - you are free to believe in it. However, you're not allowed to call it "science."
Ever.
HUGS!!! XOXOXOX
A.D.F.
# posted by Liz @ 9:18 PM 
